On massive disparities

Today boyfriend got accepted into postgrad law. I did badly on a French test. 


I feel there is a discrepancy here. My self esteem may or may not have plummeted.


I envy people like boyfriend, because what they want to do is so clear. Where they are going is so obvious. Conversely, I am, as I self-describe, a waste of resources in that I am an arts student with no clear desire as to where I want to go (albeit one with an above average command of the English language). 

I have always been told that I could do whatever I wanted. Thank god I never wanted to be a physicist, mathematician (any science specialist, really), or sportsperson. But growing up being told something like that, and beyond that (as arrogant as this sounds), accepting that the world really is yours for the picking is quite a daunting thing. Rather than being exceptional in one particular field, I have always been very good at a number of things. Rather than enjoying and being interested in only one area of academia, I have devoured knowledge like I devour chocolate.
I first heard the phrase 'jack of all trades, master of none' used when my mother was relaying a conversation she had with one of my teachers of the day about me. I had never thought too much about it, but I realised that being very good at a broad number of things, without truly excelling at one, can be a curse. 


I feel awfully arrogant contemplating this last paragraph, but I gave up modesty for lent and ever found it again. Kidding. I feel that false modesty is worse than a bible basher, and telling something straight up without any 'look at how fabulous I am' is refreshing. 


Anyway. I suppose the point I'm trying to make here is that finding your way isn't easy. That just because you have all the ability in the world, doesn't mean you'll achieve (although applying yourself would probably help here), that figuring out where to go and what to do can be the most daunting and unknown thing. 


What have I learned from today? 
Firstly, that I should have taken those stupid career advisory tests in school a) at all and b) more seriously. 
Second, that actually studying for a french oral results in a worse mark than the rather shocking ad lib that I did last semester.
Third, that not knowing what vocation I will ultimately embark on is terrifying the holy crap out of me. 
Fourth, that I am proud of boyfriend. 
Finally, pizza is the best thing ever and I ate too much of it. Relevance? None. But I had pizza tonight, and it was amazing.

Returning to Childhood

For a while now, I've had a certain hankering for bubble gum. But not any bubble gum, the gum that I used to adore chewing as a child - hubba bubba, despite my mother's gloom-laden prophecy that it would rot my teeth (actually I've only ever had one filling so take that, mother!). So imagine my excitement and surprise when I discovered sticks of the very same gum for 99 cents in my local supermarket. I bought a stick immediately. 


So I excitedly opened the packet and put some in my mouth. Oh the deliciousness, oh the wonder, oh the grape flavour! I chewed until my jaw muscles ached, and then blew bubbles. They were amazing bubbles, in case you were wondering. 


But then I as I chewed, I remembered that the gum didn't hold its flavour for long, that after about 15 minutes (less in fact), you were left simply chewing rubber, without taste. 
I must admit, I was somewhat disenchanted to remember this. 


I guess the moral of this story is that you can never return to your childhood, never re-create those things that in your memory, are perfect, sugar-filled moments of flavoury goodness.

ALL the precious snowflakes

This is now zombie blog - resurrected from the dead. Why? I'm not quite sure. 


I think I needed to be a precious little snowflake, and where better to be so than on the internet, where everybody can see it! (cue the slightly manic expression)


Anyway, I was examining the way in which certain people (and I'm sure everybody will be thinking of one or two specific somebodies) feel the need to broadcast that they are 'special'. That they have 'issues' and 'problems'. It took me some time to realise, but everybody has problems, which they struggle with. Whether it be an overprotective mother who sometimes seems to be more like a child than her daughter, or a father who is a workaholic, and therefore not always around. It happens, it defines us, move on. Deal with it.


I said to boyfriend (yeah, I found one) once, 'I'm a precious dark snowflake. Don't take my dark, dark issues away from me. I am nothing without them, nothing!'. At the time I was joking, but perhaps there is an element of truth within that. We all seek sometimes, I feel, to define ourselves within our insecurities. It is a part of human nature to seek out the worst. Perhaps this is what drives us to move forward (sorry!), to better ourselves, yet I think all too often, we can fall into the trap of simply dwelling on the negatives, rather than letting them inspire us. 


We are beautiful in our flaws, but I think we are more beautiful, and more...wonderful, when we let those flaws be what propel us above and beyond. 


I guess this is my own moment of zen, and because I am at heart, a precious dark, twisted snowflake (I'm nothing without my crippling insecurities...nothing!!!) I may not be able to take all of my (clearly massive) wisdom. But it's something to return to, even simply for that moment of reflection.